The Queer of the Opera
by Noch Provodnik
Summary: COMPLETE!What if Christine was a whore, Raoul loved chocolates a lot, and the Phantom was gay? He would turn to Christine to turn him straight of course! Based on the 2004 movie! Get your rubber chickens and feather dusters ready! LOL
1. Sick twisted monkey from Hell!

**A/N: the prologue might suck. . . but the others are hilarious!**

(Very old Raoul de Chagny rolls into the broken down Opera Populaire. He waits patiently until the Auctioner finally bids the object of his desire. . .)

Auctioneer

Here's lot 665. . . A music box in the shape of a barrel organ. Attached is a figure of a monkey in Persian robes playing the cymbals. It was discovered in the vaults of the theatre with dark curly hairs on the cymbals. . . So! Who would like to buy this piece of shit?

Raoul

I do!

Auctioneer

Sold! To the desperate old man who needs viagra!

Raoul

(blushes) Damn viagra. . .

(Auctioneer hands the music box to Raoul)

Raoul

Finally! A masterpiece. . . but to me. . . My little sex toy! Now I shall have pleasure since Christine has kicked the bucket!

(Raoul starts up the music box and moans)

Raoul

Music box my ass! It should be called the testicle clamps!

Auctioneer

Must you really do that here?

(Raoul blushes, but keeps going)

Raoul

Oh my God. . . Take it all you sick twisted monkey from Hell!

Auctioneer

(coughs) Anyway. . . Lot 666. . .

(Red smoke appears and the Devil appears)

Devil

If I were you I'd change that lot number. . .

Auctioneer

Why?

Devil

You don't have copyright. . .

Auctioneer

Oh. . . Okay. . . Lot. . . 12. . . 12. . . 12. . . Is the chandelier in pieces. . . Some of you may recall the strange affair of The Queer of the Opera. . . A mystery that never fully came out of the closet. . . No pun intended! This chandelier fell after the deformity of the Phantom was revealed. . . And also his gayness. . . but who really cares about this piece of junk! Let's rock this joint!

(Overture to "The Phantom of the Opera" plays as we rewind back in time. The Devil is smoking a blunt)

Devil

You've gotta love those flashbacks man!

**Do u like? Please R&R! **


	2. Chapter 1:Mmm Pie!

**A/n: Christine's last name sounds like '' Di-UUUUUHHHHH'' Very exaggerated!**

**Chapter 1: Mmm. . . Pie!**

(The overture ends and the Opera Poplaire appears. The cast is rehearsing "Hannibal" and Monsieur Lefevre walks in during the rehearsal)

M. Lefevre

As you can tell. . . We really suck at this art!

M. Reyer

M. Lefevre, we're trying to actually sound good!

M. Lefevre

Doesn't sound like it. . . But I need everyone's attention. . .

(Everyone comes and listens)

M. Lefevre

As you know, I am leaving because you suck and I'm an asshole. . . So I would like to introduce you to the two gentlemen who now own you all. . . M. Richard Firmin and M. Gilles Audre.

(Everyone applauses as M. Lefevre continues)

M. Lefevre 

I'm sure you have read their recent fortune in the junk business.

M. Audre

Pornography actually. . . And we are deeply honored to introduce our new patron. That sexy man. . . The Vicomte de Chagny!

(Raoul comes out)

Christine

It's Raoul. Before my father died in that violin river dancing accident. . . I guess you could say we were childhood sweet hearts. He called me Little Lotte.

Meg

He's so handsome.

Christine

He's mine bitch! I saw and licked him first!

Meg

I know! I know! I was only saying. . .

Christine

Yeah. . . Watch out. . . Or you might eat a pistol some day. . .

(They stop fighting and listen to Raoul)

Raoul

I am honored to support all arts. . . And I mean all arts. . . Especially the arts that contain naked women and peanut butter. . . (starts drooling) Mmm. . . Peanut butter. . .

(Carlotta hits him aside the head)

Raoul

Thanks Cocoa. . .

Carlotta

My name is La Carlotta!

Raoul

Whatever. . . I must be keeping you from your rehearsal. I will be here tonight to see your performance. . . Au revoir!

(Raoul leaves and passes Christine and Meg)

Christine

He didn't recognize me. . . That bastard!

Meg

Oh, he didn't see you!

(They both start the ballet dance as Mme. Giry, M. Firman and M. Audre watch)

Mme. Giry

We take particular pride in the excellence of our ballet.

(Both messieurs look at the ballet girls)

M. Firmin

I see why. . . Especially that little blonde angel.

Mme. Giry

My daughter, Meg Giry.

M. Firmin

And that exceptional beauty. No relation I trust!

Mme. Giry

Christine Da-UH! Promising talent. Very Promising.

M. Firmin

Oh, I'm sure her talent is promising. . . (growls)

Mme. Giry

She was orphaned at 7 and came here to train in the ballet. . . I think of her as a daughter also.

M. Audre

That sucks! I was going to plow her. . .

M. Firmin

So was I. . . (growls)

(They clear the way as the rehearsal comes to an end. Carlotta comes up to the managers)

Carlotta

I hope he is excited by dancing girls as your new managers. . . Because I will not be singing! Get my doggy and my boxy. . . Bye-bye!

M. Audre

What do we do?

M. Lefevre

How should I know? I don't own this piece of shit anymore! Ahahahahaha!

(M. Lefevre runs out of the Opera House while screaming out. . .)

M. Lefevre 

I'M A DILDO!

M. Firmin

Oh dear Lord. . .

Mme. Giry

I have a message from the Opera Ghost. . . He welcomes you and commands that you continue to leave box 5 empty for his use. And he reminds you that his salary is due.

(M. Firmin wakes up after dozing off)

M. Firmin

I'm sorry. What did you say?

Mme. Giry

(sighs) We're fucked up! Geez! No wonder I switched to girls. . . I mean. . . Grapefruits are wonderful aren't they?

M. Firmin

Yes they are. I mean. . . We have to refund a full house!

Mme. Giry

Christine Da-UH could sing it, sir.

Audre

A chorus girl? (looks at Christine) I'm sure singing isn't the only thing she can do. . .

Firmin

(growls)

Giry

Let her sing for you. If she sings badly then you get free blow jobs. . . And she has been well taught.

Audre

(cocks eyebrow) Well taught in what exactly?

Giry

In singing. . .

Firmin

I'm sure she has been taught well in other things. . . (growls again)

(Christine walks up and starts to sing)

Christine

Think of me

Think of me naked

When you close your eyes

Touch me here, molest me down there

Cover me in whipped cream

And call me your pie. . .

(Audre whispers to Firmin)

Audre

Are you sure this is the right song?

Firmin

Who cares! (growls)

Audre

Will you stop growling!

Christine

Um. . . Hello? I stopped singing because I can hear you.

Firmin

Sorry.

(Christine continues)

Christine

When you find

That once again you long

To lick every inch

Of my body

If you ever find a cucumber

Spare a thought for your pie. . .

(Christine magically transforms into her dress for the gala and continues to sing in front of an audience)

Christine

We never said our love was evergreen

That is the gum I like to chew

Even though it's called winter fresh

Please don't call me a Jew.

Think of all the nights

We've shared and screamed

Don't think about the way

I fed you your "cream"

Think of me

Think of me riding

You like a cowboy

Imagine me trying too hard

To make you eat this sex toy

Recall those days

WhenI was your little pie

Think of thatkinky prostitute

And her special talent

Involving a flute!

(Raoul applauses with the rest of the audience)

Raoul

Can it be? Can it be Christine? No. . . Wait. . . It's just a whore. . .

Christine

Hey! I'm not a whore!

Raoul

Oh! I'm so sorry! I didn't recognize you with that mask on.

Christine

It's not a mask. . . It's my make-up. . .

Raoul 

Oh. . . Care for a meatball?

Christine

No. . . (clears throat)

Raoul

I'm not done yet!

Christine

Sorry. . .

Raoul

Long ago

It seems so long ago

How young and sexy we both were

She may not remember me. . .

Christine

But I did!

Raoul

But she still acts like a whore. . .

(Christine finishes it off)

Christine

Flowers fade

The fruits of summer fade

They have their season

So do we,

But please promise me

That sometimes

You will just. . .

Fu-u-u-u-u. . .

Fu-u-u-u-u. . .

Fu-u-u-u-u-u-u-uuuu-uuuu-uuuu. . .

Fu-u-u-uuuuuuu-uuck meeeeee!

**Well. . . What do you think? R&R :-)**


	3. Chapter 2: I'm catholic!

**A/n: I'm back! Thanks 4 the reviews! I thought I wouldn't get any. . . **

**AkashaVampireQueen: I love you! (cough) I mean. . . Thank u! **

**Whack-man Poop: I love Scary Movie! I thinkI put a little of Scary Movie in the story some where. . . **

**Crimson Rose to Ebony: Don't worry. . . I already have the story completed!**

**Now. . . I realized i didn't have this in the other chapters, so. . . I don't own the POTO. . . but i do wish i had Gerry! I only own the weirdness of the plot. . . Enough chatting! On with show!**

**Chapter 2: I'm catholic!**

(After the performance, Christine rushes to the chapel thing to pray to her father)

Christine

Dear father. . . Please. . . Please help me to find true love. . . and sex!

Meg

Christine, Christine. . .

Phantom

(faintly) Chris. . . (coughs a lot and spits) uh. . . tine. . .

Meg

Where in the world have you been hiding?

Christine

Right here. . . Open your eyes.

(Meg opens her eyes)

Meg

Oh! There you are! Really you were perfect. I only wish I knew your secret. Who is your great tutor?

Christine

Well, wouldn't you like to know bitch!

Meg

Yes. . . I do. . .

Christine

Father once spoke of an angel

I used to dream he'd appear

Now I sing I can sense him

And I hope he will do me here!

Here in this room

He smells me softly

Some where inside hiding

Somehow I know

He's always with me

He the unseen sex god!

Meg

Christine you must have been dreaming

Stories like this can't come true

Christine you're speaking in puzzles

And you're acting like a Jew!

Christine

I am not a Jew. . . I'm catholic!

Meg

Whatever. . .

Christine

Angel of Music

Guide and guardian

Grant to me your body

Meg

Where is he?

Christine

Let me finish!

(continues)

Angel of Music

Hide no longer

Secret and safe angel!

He's with me even now. . .

Meg

Your hands are cold.

Christine

All around me. . .

Meg

Your face, Christine, it's white.

Christine

Are you racist?

Meg

No. . .

Christine

Oh. . . It frightens me. . .

Meg

Don't be frightened. . .

Christine

Don't tell me what to do bitch!

**So. . . R&R and free jaffecakes for everyone! **


	4. Chapter 3: The mirror and chocolate!

**Chapter 3: The mirror. . . And chocolate!**

(Christine & Meg go to the dressing room and meet Mme. Giry there)

Meg

Look Christine! A red rose!

Christine

Back off bitch! That's my rose!

Meg

I was only pointing it out to you. . .

Christine

Oh. . . It's beautiful!

Mme. Giry

You were beautiful tonight.

Christine

Are you lesbian?

Giry

No. . .

Christine

Oh. . . it's just. . . never mind. . .

Giry

And you did a wonderful job too. . .

Christine

Yes. . . They don't call it "job" for nothing!

(Mme. Giry rolls her eyes)

Giry

God! You're such a perverted whore!

(Mme. Giry storms out of the dressing room)

Christine

What a queer! If she's a lesbian. . . then. . . uh. . . I turn men gay!

Meg

That's my mum!

Christine

Oh. . . Are you lesbian?

Meg

No. . .

(Meg walks out of the dressing room and passes the patron and the managers)

M. Firmin

May we escort you to Miss Da-UH's room?

Raoul

No. . . I can walk by myself. . . but you can give me that. . . Bye!

Firmin

It seems they've met before. . .

Audre

He's probably going to give her some smack ass!

Raoul

I'm still here you know. . .

Firmin

(growls)

Audre

God in heaven! Stop it!

(Raoul walks into the dressing room)

Raoul

Little Lotte. . .

Christine

You're the one who should be called Little Lotte, Raoul. . .

Raoul

(blushes) Damn viagra. . .

Christine 

What's that in your hand?

Raoul 

Chocolates!

(Raoul reveals a box of chocolates)

Christine

Reminds me of when me and you were in the attic. . . (very suggestively) Do you remember, Raoul?

Raoul

Oh yes. . . That was the damn best s'mores I've ever had!

Christine

Thanks! My father said they tasted like cat farts. . .

Raoul

How is your father?

Christine

Dead.

Raoul

He can't be that much of a heavy sleeper!

Christine

No. . . I mean dead as in 6 feet under the ground and in heaven or hell. . . Or both!

Raoul

Oh. . . I'm hungry! Let's eat!

Christine

No. . . The Angel of Music is very strict.

Raoul

I won't keep you up late. . . (suggestively) much. . .

Christine

Go away!

Raoul

Alright. . . See you in 2 minutes. . .

(Raoul walks out and Christine undresses until she is in her under garments. The lights dim and she gets scared until. . .)

Phantom

Insolent boy,

This slave of fashion

Basking in your chocolate!

Ignorant fool,

This brave young suitor

Sharing my slut muffin!

Christine

My angel. . . Where are you?

(Christine looks around until she looks down and sees him under her robe)

Christine

Oh. . . Angel I see you

Please do not move

Stay where you are

Frisk me!

Angel my soul was weak

Forgive me

Lick me at last

Master!

Phantom

Flattering child, you shall know me

See why in shadow I hide

Look at your face in the mirror

I am there inside!

Christine

How did you get there. . . when you were down there. . . and now there!

Phantom

Hurry up and sing please! I have all day, but you turn me off when you talk!

Christine

Angel of Music, guide and guardian

Grant to me your body

Angel of Music, hide no longer

Come to me and do me!

Phantom

I am your Angel of Music. . . Come to me, Angel of Music. . .

(Christine walks towards the mirror, but bumps her head on it)

Christine

OWW!

Phantom

I didn't say now!

(30 minutes later. . .)

Okay. . . Now you can come. . .

(Christine tries again, but still bumps her head)

Christine

OWW!

Phantom

Don't walk so fast! The mirror opens slowly. . .

(Christine finally walks through and gives the man her hand)

**A/n: What will happen next? R&R and hopefully you'll find out! MWAHAHAHA :-D**


	5. Chapter 4: The Queer of the Opera

**Chapter 4: The Queer of the Opera**

(The song "The Phantom of the Opera" plays as Christine is lead by the mysterious phantom gay man thing)

Christine

In sleep he sang to me

In dreams I came

That voice which calls to me

And makes me moan

And do I dream again

For I find

The Queer of the Opera is there. . .

Inside. . . the opera!

(The Phantom helps her onto a horse)

Phantom

She walks again with me

With bumps on her head

From that daggum mirror

That locks me in

And though she turns from me

To take it from behind

The Queer of the Opera is me. . .

Inside. . . the opera!

(He takes her off the horse and they get on the boat)

Christine

Those who have seen your ass

Draw back from reflection

Your ass is pasty white. . .

Phantom

Well you try living down here for all of your life!

Both Christine & the Phantom

My manhood and yours shall now combine. . .

Phantom

Hold up. . . Cut the music!

(Music stops)

Phantom

You're a guy?

Christine

No! I was only following your lead!

Phantom

Then don't woman! Say your vagina or axe wound. . . Or something!

Christine

Okay. . . My winking eye of God shall combine with your manhood!

Phantom

Let's just skip that part and go to the next lyric. Okay?

Christine

Alright.

(Music comes back on)

Both Christine & Phantom

The Queer of the Opera is here. . .

Inside. . . the opera!

Christine

And maybe me!

(Chorus sings)

Chorus

He's there. . . The Queer of the Opera!

And he will make you eat some spaghetti-a!

Christine

Since when is the chorus Italian?

Phantom

I don't know. . . Sing, my angel!

Christine

You have to draw a contract with my agent first!

Phantom

You will sing or I will cut you!

Christine

You really wouldn't do that would you?

(He hides knife behind his back)

Phantom

Neooo!

Christine

Oooo-o-o-ooo-ooo-ooo-o-ooor-gasm!

Oooo-o-o-ooo-ooo-ooo-o-ooor-gasm!

(Christine lights a cigarette and starts smoking)

Oooo-o-o-ooo-ooo-ooo-o-ooor-gasm!

Oooo-o-o-ooo-ooo-ooo-o-ooor-gasm!

(Christine throws away her cigarette and licks her fingers and starts rubbing her boobs and nipples)

Ooooorgaaaasm!

Ooooorgaaaasm!

Ooooorgaaaasm!

(Reaches down to touch herself downstairs)

OOOOORGAAAASM!

Phantom

I thought that when you have one. . . You moan and scream. . . not yell out the word. . .

Christine

If I were you. . . I wouldn't complain and plow me. . .

Phantom

I have brought you

To this place that smells like cat

To this place where all must

Pay homage to sex. . . sex. . .

You have come here

For one purpose and one alone

Since the moment

I first heard you came

Screaming and moaning

As you came from my voice

Please help me. . .

Turn me straight. . .

Christine

You're gay? Oh dear Lord. . .

**(gasp) I never would have guessed :-)**


	6. Chapter 5: Make me into a Straight Man

**A/n: wow. . . people really like this!**

**Phantomandvampirelover: Believe me. . . a LOT more action is coming soon! **

**Sugar Peaches: Damn gurl! I LOVE YOU! (coughs) I mean. . . Thanks for the reviews! SinceI made you laugh your ass off. . . I did my job! And yes. . . I made up all the new lyrics in this story. This story is living proof on how bored and randomI was a couple weeks ago. . . **

**Crimson Rose to Ebony: As I said before. . . I did my job ifI made you laugh by my sick perverted humour!**

**I borrowed a tini-tiny part from Scary Movie 2, butI gave it back after taking it for a ride! **

**Now then. . . On with the story!**

**Chapter 5: Make me into a Straight Man**

(Music to "The Music of the Night" plays and the Phantom begins to sing)

Phantom

Night time sharpens

Heightens each sensation

Darkness stirs

And wakes imagination

But who really cares for that

When we can fuck in this place that smells like cat. . .

(He pulls Christine out of the boat, but she falls into the lake)

Christine

Ah!

Phantom

Damn it! You ruined the song!

Christine

Please continue! I'll get out!

(Christine comes out of the lake and walks over to the Phantom)

Phantom

Slowly, gently

My manhood unfurls its splendor

Grasp it, sense it

Tremulous and tender

Turn your face away

Before I ejaculate

Turn your thoughts away

From my cold unfeeling hands

And begin to make me into a straight man

Close your eyes and surrender

To your darkest dreams

Purge your thoughts of the porn

You knew before

Close your eyes

As you feel my fingers soooooooar. . .

And you'll feel it

In a place you've never felt it before

Softly, deftly

My tongue shall caress you

Hear it, feel it

Secretly taste you

Open up your mouth

Let my tongue explore

As I feel your wet contours

And I don't mind

That you snow ball

Let your mind start a journey

Through a strange new world

Kiss my ass

And please lick it too

Let your soul take you where

I take a poooooooo. . . !

Only then I can

Take a dump on you. . .

Flouting, falling

This is the symptoms

Of doing pot

Touch me, trust me

I promise I won't drug you a lot

Let the dream begin

Let your darker side give in

To the power of the drugs

I'm about to inject into you. . .

(He pulls out a shot and pokes her with it)

Christine

Ouch! What was. . . Oooo. . . Flying ferrets in the sky!

Phantom

And help me make me into a straight man.

(The Phantom takes Christine to the life-sized dummy of her in a wedding dress)

Christine

Look at me. . . I'm a mad cow. . . MOO! MOO MOTHER FUCKER! MOO. . . Hey, what's. . . (she sees the dress and passes out)

Phantom

Ah dammit! I knew I should have made the dress red. . .

(He picks her up and takes her to the swan bed)

Phantom

You alone can make me heterosexual

Help me make me into a straight. . .

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. . . !

(Christine wakes up suddenly)

Christine

Oh my God! I pass out and you lay me down to sleep! My God you're gay!

Phantom

Uh. . . What are you? Deaf? Didn't you hear the song?

Christine

I was too busy messing with myself with your voice. . . Besides. . . I thought I made men ga. . . I mean. . . Can monkeys have religions?

(The Phantom injects her with more drugs and Christine passes out again)

Phantom

Damn. . . You sure do talk a lot. . . but you'll do because you're an easy lay! I guess I'll cook some meatballs and arrange my handcuff collection. . .

**Just so's you know. . . The Phantom is gay and Christine is a whore who has a reputation for turning men gay. . . And Raoul needs viagra. . . (in the background, a voice says ''Damn viagra. . . '') Shut up! Or no coconut bra for you!**

**R&R andI will worship you! Well. . . only for 5 minutes!**


	7. Chapter 6: White and bubbley!

**A/n: Woo! Thanks for even MORE reviews! It shows that people actually think Im funny!**

**Erik for President: The more help the better! **

**Sugar Peaches: I still love you! **

**Well. . . I can't keep you waiting. . . Or can I?**

**Nah! I can't!**

**Chapter 6: White and bubbly!**

(Many hours later. . . Christine wakes up with make-up on and a pair of used rubber gloves near by. . . Eew. . .)

Christine

I remember there was mist

Swirling mist upon a vast, glassy lake

There were candles all around

And on the lake there was boat

And in the boat there was a man. . .

(She looks and sees the Phantom at the organ)

Christine

Who was that shape in the shadows?

Who is the queer in the mask?

(Christine walks up to the Phantom and gently cups his ass. The Phantom gasps and goes nuts)

Phantom

Damn you! You little prying Pandora! You little demon! Is this. . .

(He moons Christine)

What you wanted to see?

Christine

My God! It's so white and. . . bubbly!

Phantom

Curse you! You little lying Delilah! You little viper! Now you will never be free! DAMN YOU! CURSE YOU!

(He starts crying)

Christine

So let me get this straight. . . no pun intended. . . I'm never going to be free. . . because I felt your ass?

Phantom

I'm sensitive! And I'm a sexually depraved hunchback!

Christine

That's the truth. . . I mean. . . I'm sorry baby! I love you!

Phantom

Come, we must return. Those two fools who run my theatre will be missing you.

Christine

But. . .

Phantom

No more about my bottom! You're going now!

Christine

Dammit! I wanted some ass!

Phantom

You just got your share!

Christine

But I need to get plowed now!

Phantom

Cookie?

Christine

Oh. . . Thank you!

(She takes the cookie from him and bites into it)

Christine

Mmm. . . Good. . . Hey. . . Wait a minute. . . How do I know you didn't poi-

(Christine passes out)

Phantom

Finally! I'll just frisk her and take her back now. . .

(Why does the Phantom talk to himself?)

Phantom

You try living down here with no one to talk to besides rats and that damn music box!

(Oh. . . I'm so sorry I. . . Hang on. . . How can you hear me? I'm the author!)

Phantom

You tell us what to do in our minds. Which reminds me. . . Make Christine rub herself in peanut butter. . . naked!

((sarcastically). . . I'll be sure to do that. . .)

Phantom

WOOHOO!

**Well. . . Whatcha think? R&R!**


	8. Chapter 7: Notes and hot muscle dogs!

**A/n: I borrowed a tini-tiny part from Scary Movie 2, but I changed it a little bit. . . but the idea is still there! So. . . Here is next chapter!**

**Chapter 7: Notes and hot muscles dogs!**

(Firmin walks in the opera house with a note in his hand)

Firmin

Wow. . . Pretty good performance last night! Remind me to pay you.

Hot ballet chick

Hell yeah! You're an old fart!

Firmin

And Christine. . . Nice singing. . . I think I heard her screaming last night with that sexy patron!

(Audre enters mad and acting all crazy and shit)

Audre

Damnable!

Firmin

Did you lose your hard on?

Audre 

No. . . I couldn't get Meg to tea bag me!

Firmin

That's a shame. . . Ah. . . It seems you've got one too!

(Firmin points to Audre crotch)

Audre

Ah yes! I do don't I?

Firmin

Mine's a bit bigger. . . Why do you keep it in your pants? Why not hold it in your hand?

Audre

It might get crumbled up if I hold it too hard. . . Anyway. . . Whip yours out so I can see it!

Firmin

Alright!

(Firmin takes out his note he got from the Phantom)

Audre

You're right! Your note is bigger than mine! Read it!

Firmin

It says: Yo! Wassup Home Diggety Dog Skillet? Meet me in box 5 with Audre wearing fishnet tights. P.S. . . . You need to pay me. . . Not for the meeting, but the salary. . . It's due. . . Sign O.Q.

Audre

Wow! Mine says: Yo! Wassup Homie G Poptart? Meet me in box 5 with Firmin wearing nothing but a cloak. . . P.S. . . . If you notice this letter is smaller. . . Then you have to much free time! Sign O.Q.

Mme. Giry

I have a note!

Firmin

Join the club! Mine's the biggest!

Audre

Stop showing off! What does yours say?

Giry

It says: Yo! Wassup Homie Home Spatula? Meet Jammes and Lisette on the stage with sensual boob oil, pasties, and a pocket rocket. . . Sign O.Q.

(Audre and Firmin stare at her)

Giry

Maybe I should have read the note to myself. . .

Audre

Why does he want you to meet Jammes and Lisette?

Giry

. . . Uh. . . Ballet practice?

Carlotta

I have a note!

Both Audre and Firmin

What does it say?

Carlotta

It says: Yo! Wassup Homiedy Home Home Greasemonkey? Don't sing or a broomstick will molest and rape you! MWAHAHAHAHA! P.S. . . . Don't touch me. . . I don't want to melt! Sign O.Q.

Giry

You didn't tell us you were a witch!

Carlotta

I'm not!

Raoul

Who cares! I have a note!

Both Firmin and Audre

What does it say?

Raoul

It says: Yo! Wassup Poopyhead? Stay away from my slut! P.S. . . . Meet me on the roof with some lube oil and a cucumber. . . Sign O.Q.

Audre

My God. . . The Phantom is gay!

Giry

No shit sherlock. . . I mean. . . Notes! Twisted every way! Keep your hand at the level of your arse! Ahahahahaha!

Carlotta

You're such a crazy dyke! How come I have no one to meet?

Raoul

You're ugly. . . Only blind people want you in bed. . .

Carlotta

SHUT UP! Is everyone else going to meet this Opera Queer?

(Everybody looks at each other and mumbles)

Firmin

Yeah. . . might as well. . .

Audre

It could be fun!

Giry

Yes. . . I kept a deal and I must meet my pussy posse. . .

Raoul

Your what?

Giry

Ballet class. . .

Raoul

I'm not letting Christine go. . . but I'll meet him to see if he's a hottie! I mean. . . Care for a meatball?

Giry

I think Carlotta already has balls. . .

Carlotta

This Opera House is gay and fucked up! I will not be singing!

Firmin

Your public needs you. . .

Audre

We need you too. . .

Carlotta

Would you not rather have your precious little ingénue?

Firmin

Well. . . Her hair doesn't have as many split ends as yours. . .

Audre

And her skin isn't as oily as yours either. . .

Firmin

She also doesn't do that face that makes you look like an ape on puberty. . .

Audre

Yeah. . . You look like you have down syndrome or something. . .

Carlotta

Alright! Enough! No more blow jobs every night!

Audre

Yes ma'am. . .

Firmin

Yes ma'am. . . But her boobs are perkier than yours. . . not all droopy and pointy like yours!

Carlotta

That's it! Give me my doggy!

Hot muscle man 

Bark, bark baby!

Firmin

Who the hell is that guy?

Audre 

I don't know. . . I guess all of Carlotta's dogs died from her b.o. and she had to hire this fellow as her dog. . .

(Hot muscle man sniffs around and starts to hump Raoul's leg)

Raoul

Ah! Get off me you sexy little thing!

Carlotta

I will sing! But in return I want . . .

Both Firmin and Audre

Yes?

Carlotta

A pilates video. . .

Firmin

You sure do need it. . . I mean. . . Of course! Anything for you!

(Everybody walks off)

Raoul

Doesn't anybody say goodbye anymore? And will someone get the sweaty guy off my leg!

Hot muscle man

Bark-fucking-bark!

Raoul

Yes. . . You're absol-fucking-lutely right!

**Raise ur hand if you love meatballs! R&R!**


	9. Chapter 8: Gay porn Ha ha ha!

**Chapter 8: Gay porn. . . Ha ha ha!**

(The performance of "Il Muto" went as usual. . . Christine plays the page boy and Carlotta sings horribly as the Countess. . .)

Carlotta

Serafimo, away with your clothes!

You cannot speak

But kiss me and scream as I rape you!

Poor fool he makes me laugh

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Time I tried to get a better half of ass!

Poor fool he doesn't know

Ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho ho!

Yes I am the biggest ho

That you'll ever know!

Phantom

I thought I told you to keep box 5 empty!

Carlotta

Why do you need it empty anyway?

Phantom

Um. . . Well. . . None of your business!

Person in box 5

Hey! There's porn in here!

Phantom

That's my porn!

Carlotta

What kind of porn is it?

Person in box 5

GAY PORN! I'm gonna sell it! Who wants gay porn!

Phantom

HEY! THAT'S MY GAY PORN!

Carlotta

I hate gay porn and that little toad back there!

(She points to a boy holding a toad. She throws her fan at it and kills it. The boy cries and runs away)

Christine

That wasn't nice!

Carlotta

Shut up bitch!

Phantom

Hey! That's my slut muffin you called a bitch! Perhaps you are the bitch!

(Carlotta gets the scotch stuff and sprays it in her mouth. She warms up. . .)

Carlotta

Ka ka ka ka kaaa-ka!

(The audience gasps)

Carlotta

What? I'm only warming up!

(The audience sighs with relief. Carlotta continues with the show)

Carlotta

Poor fool he makes me laugh

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha-

(All the sudden, Carlotta begins to croak and make other noises)

Carlotta

CROAK! OINK! MOO! CROAK! CLUCK! WEE-SNAW!

(She runs off the stage)

Audre

Sounds like someone's expanded her throat. . . I wonder with what. . .

Firmin

(blushes) Damn viagra. . .

(Both Audre & Firmin go on stage to assure the audience and the performance goes to Act 3 as Christine gets ready to play the Countess. Meanwhile. . .)

Joseph Buquet

Man I'm drunk. . . And ugly. . . I'm so drunk and ugly. . . I couldn't run if someone were to butt-fuck rape me and kill me! I think I'll go for a run on the cat walks. . .

(He starts running and stops to look behind him. When he turns back, the Phantom is behind him. Buquet gasps and runs away from him)

Buquet

AAAAHHH! GIRLY MAN!

(Soon the Phantom is standing on the opposite side facing Buquet)

Phantom

Where you going handsome? No, I'm also going left! Now I'm going right! Now I'm climbing a rope!

(Buquet runs more and stops to remember something. . .)

Buquet

Let's see ifI remember this. . . 1, 2. . . Buckle my. . . fish? No. . . that's not it. . . Maybe it's mongoose. . . Oh! Now I remember! Keep your hand at the level of your ankles!

(He bends down)

Buquet

Hmph. . . This doesn't seem RIIIIGHT! AH! OW! IT'S ALL WIGGLEY! AH! NOOO! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

(He finally falls down on stage. . . dead as a door knob! Everybody screams and starts running)

Audre

Who's that dead on the stage?

Firmin

I'll go see. . .

(He goes to the stage and comes back)

Audre

Well?

Firmin

Joseph Buquet. . .

Audre

How did he die?

Firmin

By the looks of him. . . Shock! But he was choked with a 10 inch dildo stuffed in his throat. . . And a dead squirrel was found up his ass. . .

Audre

Dear Lord! Anything else?

Firmin

(nods) He has red lipstick on, and a record was found. . . It had a song on it called. . . It's raining men. . .

Audre

What kind of monster would do such a thing!

Phantom

I would!

Both Audre & Firmin

AAAHHH!

(Both of them cover their asses)

Audre

Please! No more of the raining men!

Firmin

He's been doing it to you too?

Audre

Yes!

Firmin

Then why did he kill Buquet?

Phantom

He smelled awful and was too dirty. . . Plus I was horny. . . But we can't have a mess in my Opera House now can we?

Both Audre & Firmin

Yes, sir. . .

(Outside, Raoul and Christine find each other)

Raoul

Christine!

Christine

Raoul! It's not safe here!

Raoul

After being humped by a hot muscle man pretending to be a dog. . . Anything is safe!

Christine

Come on! Let's go on the roof. . .

(She begins to climb the spiral stairs to the roof)

Raoul

Christine! I can't slip you the hot beef injection up there! It's snowing! It's bloody cold out there!

**So. . . How do u like it? R&R and I will sing Rock Lobster for u :-)**


	10. Chapter 9:Sex me up, that's all I ask

**a/n: Thanks for the nice reveiws!**

**Sugar Peaches: I love u more :-)**

**Crimson Rose to Ebony: I'm beginning to fall in love with you. . . (cough) I mean. . . Glad you think its funny! **

**Erik for President: I agree with you. . . It is damn funny! (laughs hysterically)**

**Phantomandvampirelover: I've read weirder stories than this. . . Okay. . . maybeI haven't. . . but im glad you think it's funny in a weird sense!**

**Let's continue shall we?**

**Chapter 9: Sex me up. . . That's all I ask of you!**

Raoul

Why have you brought me here?

Christine

We can't go back there!

Raoul

We must have sex!

Christine

He'll kill you! His eyes will find us there. . .

Raoul

That dirty pervert!

Christine

Those eyes that burn!

Raoul

That must really hurt!

Christine

And if he has to fuck a thousand men. . .

Raoul

Wow. . . That's a lot of men!

Christine

The Queer of the Opera will fuck and fuck again!

Raoul

Believe me. . . There is no Queer of the Opera!

Christine

My God who is this man who is not straight?

Raoul

Maybe he's a clown!

Christine

I can't escape from him. . .

Raoul

Does he keep you on a leash?

Christine

I never will.

Raoul

Or maybe he drugs you!

Both Christine & Raoul

And in this labyrinth

Where night is blind

The Queer of the Opera will

Fuck you senseless. . .

Raoul

There is no Queer of the Opera. . .

Christine

Raoul, I've been there

To his world of unending night

To a world where nothing else happens

But sex. . . and drugs. . .

Raoul, I've seen him

Can I ever forget that sight?

Can I ever escape from that ass?

So white and bubbly

It was hardly an ass

In that darkness. . . darkness. . .

Raoul

Hasn't this fellow ever heard of tanning? He could go and tan on this roof in the summer naked! He wouldn't look like Michael Jackson on steroids!

Phantom

I heard that!

Christine

It's our turn to sing! Go back to hiding behind that statue's ass!

(The Phantom does what he's told and Christine continues singing)

Christine

But his voice filled my ears

As a erotic moan escaped my lips

In that night

There was sex on my mind

And through my moans

My fingers began to soooooooooar. . .

And I felt things

That I never felt before. . .

Raoul

What you felt was disgusting. . . And a dream and nothing more. . . I hope!

Christine

Yet in his eyes

Hold the passions of the world

Those sexy eyes

That both undresses and feel me up. . .

Raoul

Christine, Christine. . .

Christine

What?

Raoul

Eyes don't have hands. . . And it's bloody cold. . . (suggestively) My nessy is gettin' cold. . .

Christine

I don't do hand or blow jobs!

(The music "That's all I ask of you" begins to play and Raoul sings)

Raoul

No more talk of queers

Forget your ass-poking fingers

I'm here. . . I am your slave now

You can put me on a chain leash now

Let me be your lover

Please put on this outfit

You can be my

Sexy hillbilly. . .

Christine

Say you'll fuck me

Every waking moment

I will give you

All the head you want

Say you need me to

Turn you on

Promise me you'll never

Butt-fuck me. . .

That's all I ask of you. . .

Raoul

Let me be your lover

Let me lick your face

You're sexy

Everybody will try to rape you

But I will beat them

With your purple dildo. . .

Christine

All I want is freedom

To pinch your nipples

And you will scream in pleasure

Instead of screaming "yeaowza!"

Raoul

Then say you'll share with me

This jar of peanut butter

Let me lead you

Down my pants

Say you need me

To lick the peanut butter off you

Anywhere you go

Let us fuck there too

Lick me, that's all I ask of you

Christine

Say you'll share with me

My double ended dildo

Say you will and

I will follow you

Both Christine & Raoul

Share each chocolate

As I feed it to you. . .

Christine

What about the dildo?

Raoul

My answer is fuck no. . .

Both Christine & Raoul

Premarital sex, that's all I ask of you

(They kiss each other's brains out until they break apart once more)

Both Christine & Raoul

Anywhere you go

Let us fuck there too

Sex me up

That's all I ask of you. . .

(They kiss until Christine breaks it)

Christine

I must go. . . You're a horrible kisser. . . Go away please!

Raoul

But I can practice!

Christine

Order your fine horses. Be with them at the door. . .

Raoul

And soon we will be fucking. . .

Christine

But not on the horses. . .

(They leave. . . And the Phantom appears after watching them sing. . . Man that Phantom's a nosy bastard!)

Phantom

Shut up! I'm having an emotional break down. . .

(Well sorry! It's not my fault you're gay. . .)

Phantom

Yeah it is. . . You're writing the story. . .

(SHUT UP!)

Phantom

Can I please continue?

(Yes. . .)

Phantom

I gave you my body

Let you finger me

And now. . . How you've repaid me

Denied me to turn me straight

He is bound to lick you

When he sees you in the peanut butter

Christine. . .

(The pansy starts crying)

Phantom

I am not a pansy!

(Yes you are. . . And you have no manners. . . You didn't say thank you when I let you continue. . .)

Phantom

Ah fuck you!

(No thank you. . . I don't fuck gay people. . .)

Phantom

(growls) You will curse the day you did not fuck. . .

All of the Queer of the Opera!

**Woo! The fucked up love triangle has begun! R&R :-)**


	11. Chapter 10: Fuckarade!

**a/n: I'm back! Did u miss me? jk! This is probably the filthiest chapter because of my version of Masquerade. At least it's better than the ''Vodka-rade! Screw drinking gatorade!'' version i came up with (btw. . . Russians kick ass!).**

**The-Wind-Dragon-Caller: ROCK LOBSTER! Glad you think it's funny. And im sry if i offended you. . . Most of my friends are Jewish and im a quarter Jewish (but on my dad's side, so im not considered Jewish). And if i disturbed you. . . Then i did my job! And yes. . . I live for Family Guy! STEWIE ROX 4-EVA!**

**Erik for President: Of course you can join! You have to wait your turn though :-)**

**Without further delay. . . Here is the next chapter! **

**Chapter 10: Fuck-a-rade!**

(It's masquerade time! Let's get drunk while everybody sings and fucks all around you! Woo!)

Firmin

Monsieur Audre! You're a cock! At least the ladies know you're not cockless!

Audre

And you're a ram! It suits you. . . Since you like to ram women!

Firmin

Quick! Let's get inside before they sing without us!

(The chorus starts its singing thing and dancing tricks. . . especially that serious break dancing thingy!)

Chorus

Fuck-a-rade!

Prostitutes on parade!

Fuck-a-rade

Hide your face

In the crotch of a whore!

Fuck-a-rade!

Every slut a different shade!

Fuck-a-rade

Look around

There's another skank behind you!

Flash of boobs, splash of legs

Fat and skinny, short and tall

Trace of hair, face of beast

Man or woman, big or small

Hookers! Take your turn

Take your ride

On the merry-go-round

Of dirty slut bags!

Eye on gold, thigh of blue

Better hope it's not a smurf!

Curl of lip, swirl of arms

Strength of thrusts, force of orgasm

Hookers!

See them here

Pick them up

Till you drowned

In the boobs, in the cunt

And you can name the price!

Fuck-a-rade!

Grinning faces at climax!

Fuck-a-rade!

Take your fill

Let the spectacle astound you!

Fuck-a-rade!

Turn your head before it explodes!

Fuck-a-rade!

Stop and stare

At the sea of whores around you!

Fuck-a-rade!

Fucking in the shadows!

Fuck-a-rade!

Whores can fool you by

Being a hermaphrodite!

Fuck-a-rade!

Licking tongue, Clutching hands

Fuck-a-rade

Run and hide

But a whore will still fuck you!

Carlotta

What a night!

Piangi

What a crowd!

Audre

Makes you glad

Firmin

Makes you proud to pour cream on a whore's boobs!

Carlotta

Watching us fuck around!

Meg

And masturbation is a thing of the past!

Piangi

Three months of sex!

Carlotta

And drugs!

Audre

Of Elysian peace!

Firmin

That's the name of our mistress!

Carlotta

No more porn!

Piangi

No more queers!

Giry

Here's to sex!

Audre

Here's a toast for the toaster I brought here!

Firmin

Make sure you put butter on there!

Carlotta & Piangi

And may our orgasm never fade!

Giry

Get a sex change!

Audre & Firmin

And what a blessed surgery!

Giry

And what a fuck-a-rade!

Christine

Think of it. . . A secret engagement. . . Look, your future bride!

Raoul

(looks around wildly) Where!

Christine

(hits Raoul on the head) Me stupid!

Raoul

Oh. . . Why is it secret? What have we to hide?

Christine

Your hard on is one thing to hide.

Raoul

Oh come on, Christine! Please?

Christine

Not until the time is right!

Raoul

Damn viagra!

(They both start to dance in circles so much. . . it makes you want to upchuck!)

Raoul

Christine?

Christine

What?

Raoul

Can we do it while we're dancing? I have the peanut butter with me. . . I even brought a spoon for scoopage!

Christine

No! Wait until this fuck-a-rade is over and the time to be right!

Raoul

Why do think it's called a fuck-a-rade? We're supposed to be fucking!

Christine

No! We will what until we're alone. . . then we can get married and move to the home of the free and the land of the brave. . .

Raoul

SCOTLAND!

Christine

Sure. . . Whatever. . .

(They stop dancing and make-out. Then they watch the chorus sing and do synchronized dancing)

Chorus

Fuck-a-rade!

Prostitutes on parade!

Fuck-a-rade

Hide your face

In the crotch of a whore!

Fuck-a-rade!

Every slut a different shade!

Fuck-a-rade

Look around

There's another skank behind you!

Fuck-a-rade!

Turn your head before it explodes!

Fuck-a-rade!

Stop and stare

At the sea of whores around you!

Fuck-a-rade!

Grinning faces at climax!

Fuck-a-rade!

Take your fill

Let the spectacle astound you!

(The lights dim and the Phantom appears dressed as Red Death. He starts to go down the stairs)

Phantom

Why so silent good messieurs?

Did you think that I had fucked you for good?

Have missed me good messieurs?

I have written you an opera

Here I bring the finished score. . .

Don Juan Stofucku!

Fondest greetings to you all

A few instructions just before rehearsal starts

Carlotta must stay away from me

Or I might catch herpes. . .

Our Don Juan must loss some weight.

Meet me back stage and I will help you exercise.

And my managers must learn to take in from behind. . .

And in their mouths. . .

And as for our star. . . Miss Christine Da-UH. . .

No doubt she'll do her best.

It's true her voice is good,

But who really cares for that.

Her body is fucking hot!

And if she fails in this opera

She must sleep with me,

Her teacher, her teacher. . .

Carlotta

How can she fuck you if you're a queer?

Phantom

Shut up butt pie!

(He walks over to Christine and rips a lock of her hair and smells it)

Phantom

Your chains are still mine!

You must turn me straight!

(He disappears under the trap door and Raoul follows him into the room of mirrors)

Raoul

I know you're down here. . . Show your face pansy!

(All the sudden he is being attacked by. . .)

Raoul

AH! COTTONBALLS AND OLIVES!

(Just then, Mme. Giry grabs him and pulls him out of there)

Giry

You better be glad he didn't use cocktail shrimp. They're spicy!

Raoul

Dear Lord! Tell me who or what he is!

Giry

I know nothing. . .

Raoul

What is his past history? Please. . . I must know. . .

Giry

(sighs) I found him at a gay circus. They would beat him with dildos and show him as "Flaming Flamboyant Boy". He finally choked the guy who abused him with a whip and I took him here to live. . .

Raoul

Ooo. . . kay. . . and are you. . . ?

Giry

Alright! The jig is up! I'm. . . GAY!

Raoul

I already knew that! You're not really good at hiding it. . . I meant are you the Phantom's gay leader. . . Because he's pretty gay!

Giry

Yes. . . I taught him well. . . And his gayness grew to a brilliant brightness. . . Now he's trying to turn straight. . . What a genius!

Raoul

Clearly. . . genius has turned to madness. . . and gay as well. . . I'll see you, Jammes, and Lisette in ballet class sometime!

**I love Ben & Jerry's! Sry. . . im eating it now. . . mmm. . . Chocolate Therapy. . . R&R!**


	12. Chapter 11: Wishing you were somehow

**a/n: so many reviews. . . so much time!**

**The-Wind-Dragon-Caller: AMEN!**

**Erik for President: You can join the triangle in ur mind. . . im sry. . . can't put u in the phic. . . But i still love u!**

**Sugar Peaches: I LOVE U! U really think im funny don't cha? **

**This is one of my favorite chapters because. . . You can find out for urself!**

**Chapter 11: Wishing you were somehow straight again!**

(The next day. . . Christine wakes up)

Christine

I think I'll go to my father's grave and sing about the gay ghost. . .

(She gets dressed and goes to the grave. . . Meanwhile. . .)

Raoul

(slowly wakes up with his hand down his pants) It feels like petting a hairless cat. . . CHRISTINE'S GONE!

(He starts riding to the cemetery. . . Back to Christine. . .)

Christine

Little Lotte thought of sex and nothing more. . . Her lover promised her that he would turn into a straight man. . . Her lover is not straight. . . Her lover is not straight. . .

You were once my sexy man whore

You were all that mattered

Then I found out you were still a queer

Then my world was shattered

Wishing you were somehow straight again

Wishing you were between my thighs

Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed

Somehow you would be straight

Wishing I could feel your fingers now

Knowing exactly where they would go

Dreaming of you helped me to do

All the straight things with you. . .

Dirty whores and nasty slut bags

Cheap and an easy lay

Seem for you the wrong companions

Because you're still gay. . .

Too many years welcoming moans

From that voice which makes me groan!

Wishing you were somehow straight again

Even though you may not ever be. . .

Please do not go, teach me to blow

Why can't you just be straight!

Now I'm here again letting another day pass

Because I'm desperate for a fresh piece of ass. . .

Help me say goodbye. . .

Or at least you could be biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. . . !

(She sits at her father's grave as the Phantom's voice sings to her from the grave. . .)

Phantom

Wondering slut

So lost, so helpless

Yearning for my body. . .

Christine

It's kind of weird that you're pretending to be my father and saying that I want to fuck you. . .

Phantom

That never crossed my mind. . .

Christine

Who cares! It's time for the sword fight!

(Raoul rides in)

Raoul

Christine! Wait! He'll never be straight!

Phantom

You got that right sista!

(The Phantom jumps down from the grave and pulls out a rubber chicken)

Raoul

That's it? A rubber chicken?

Phantom

I live underground. Where am I supposed to get a sword!

Raoul

But you had one at the fuck-a-rade!

Phantom

That was a rental!

Raoul

But still. . . A rubber chicken?

Phantom

Well I did use to live in a gay circus. . .

(The Phantom attacks)

Phantom

COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!

Raoul

GIRBELS!

(Raoul pulls out a tickle feather)

Christine

Where did you get that?

Phantom

That's mine!

Raoul

Shh. . . Don't tell her!

Christine

Tell me what?

Raoul

Hey Christine. . . Look over there!

Christine

What?

(Christine turns her head away from Raoul)

Raoul

Juto chop! GIIAAH!

(He hits her on the side of the neck)

Christine

Ow! Why did you do that for!

Raoul

I was trying to knock you out. . .

Christine

Oh. . .

(Christine passes out)

Raoul

Now. . . Let us fight!

(Both of them fight each other all over the cemetery. . . The Phantom occasionally slaps Raoul on the face with the rubber chicken. . .)

Raoul

Ow! Poultry hurts. . .

(And Raoul usually tries to tickle the Phantom, but he has resorted to throwing tic-tacs at him instead. . .)

Phantom

Ow! My neck is fresh! Ow! My deformed eye! That's my good one! It's so minty! It burns!

(And finally the Phantom gets a hold of Raoul's weapon and uses it against him. . .)

Phantom

Any last word?

Raoul

Yes. . .

(Long pause)

Phantom

Well? What is it!

Raoul

CHOCOLATES!

Phantom

No thank you. . . I'm not Mormon. . .

Raoul

That doesn't make any sense. . .

Phantom

Who cares!

(The Phantom pounces on Raoul and starts to tickle him)

Raoul

(laughing hysterically) Okay! Okay! Take Christine!

Christine

Raoul!

Raoul

Christine!

Phantom

Christine!

Christine

Debbie!

Raoul

Chris. . . Your name is Debbie? No wonder you're gay!

Phantom

SHUT UP!

(Raoul jumps on the Phantom and takes the tickle feather to his neck)

Christine

No Raoul! Not like this. . .

Raoul

What do you mean?

Christine

Let me show you. . .

(Christine jumps on top of the Phantom and starts tickling him and soon they start passionately kissing each other)

Christine

Oh Debbie. . .

Phantom

Yes. . . Turn me straight you dirty girl!

Raoul

Oh God! Get a room! That's disgusting! Where are you putting those fingers at? Don't do it! Don't. . . Ugh! You did it! I'm going to be sick!

(Raoul throws up on a near by tombstone)

Phantom

Yes. . . You like it when it hurts. . .

Christine

Oh. . . You're the cutest gay little fucker! Yes. . . Oh ye. . . Oh my. . . I forgot. . . I'm painting my apartment. . .

Phantom

You live by yourself now?

Christine

No. . . I'm on the rag. . .

Phantom

You're on me. . . about to be on your back in a minute. . .

Christine

Oh for God's sake. . . I'm on my period!

Phantom

What? Eew! Why didn't you say so! You've ruined my suit!

Christine

I did tell you. . . but in nice little code names. . .

Phantom

Gay or not I'm still a man! Geez! Get out of here!

(Christine gets off of the Phantom and runs to Raoul)

Christine

Come on, Raoul. . .

Raoul

So that's what you meant by waiting till the time was right. . .

(They ride off together)

Phantom

Now let it be war upon you both. . . because my suit is ruined! At least I got my masks at a 2 for 1 sale at Goody's. . .

**COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO! R&R :-)**


	13. Chapter 12:Mentos! Das Frachengleegan!

**a/n: In case ur wondering. . . The title of this chapter means ''Mentos! The Fresh maker!'' in German (i think). And the song ''Hurra, hurra die schule brennet'' is from that wonderful band Busted!**

**Sugar Peaches:-D I'm flattered! And i will never quite this story!**

**Hope u enjoy this chapter!**

**Chapter 12: Mentos! Das Frachengleegan!**

(Back to the Opera House!)

Raoul

We have all been blind

And yet we still have our eye sight

This could be the chance

To get laser eye surgery

Audre

But what about the Phantom?

Firmin

(growls)

Audre

Why did you growl?

Firmin

I was staring at Raoul. . . He's pretty hot when mad. . . (growls)

Raoul

I'm. . . still. . . here. . .

Firmin

Yes you are!

Raoul

We shall play his game

Perform his work

But remember we hold the ace

For if Miss Da-UH sings

He is certain to attend. . .

Audre

We are certain the doors are barred. . .

Firmin

We are certain the police arethere. . .

Raoul

We are certain they're armed. . .

Firmin

With cream puffs!

Audre

And pickles!

Raoul

Pickles? What will you do with the pickles?

Audre

Uh. . . Cover them in marshmallow fluff and chocolate?

Raoul

Chocolates!

Firmin, Audre, and Raoul

The curtain falls. . .

He's fucking shall end!

(The policemen come marching in hours later before the performance. . .)

Policemen

We love the Spice Girls

How about you?

We love their songs

And what they do

Baby, Sporty

All love sherry

Don't forget the one

That's called Scary

Posh and Gender

Complete the five

Now it's the best days

Of our lives!

We all know how

They got this far

Strength and courage

And a wonder bra!

1,2,3,4,5!

SPICE GIRLS!

Audre

They're a lively little bunch. . .

Firmin

(growls)

(Meanwhile. . . Down in the chapel place where Christine and Raoul are at. . .)

Christine

Raoul I'm frightened

Don't make me do this

Raoul it scares me

Don't put me through this ordeal by fire. . .

Raoul

You're not Joan of Arc. . . I won't burn you. . .

Christine

He'll take me.

I know.

We'll be parted forever

He won't me go

What I once use to fuck

Is still gay

If he finds me it won't ever end.

And he'll always be there

Singing songs in my head

Trying to make me climax

By singing songs in my head. . .

Raoul

You said yourself he was nothing, but a man. . .

Christine

A pretty hot one. . .

Raoul

I agree, but while he lives he will fuck us till we're dead. . .

Christine

Twisted every way

What answer can I give?

Am I to risk my life

To get an STD?

Can I betray the man

Who made me come by his voice?

Do I become his whore?

Do I have any choice?

He fucks without a thought

He fingers all that's good

I know I can't refuse

And yet I wish I could

Oh God if I agree

What horrors wait for me

In this, the Queer's opera?

Raoul

Christine, Christine don't think that I don't care, but every hope and every prayer rests on you now.

Christine

Please remind me. . . I choose you over a sexually confused hot guy because. . . ?

Raoul

Because of. . . CHOCOLATES!

(Meanwhile. . . underground. . .)

Phantom

Seal my fate tonight

I hate to have to cut the fun short

But my gayness is wearing thin

Let the audience in

Let my fuck party. . . I mean opera begin!

(Yay. . . This is going to be fun. . .)

Phantom

No one asked you!

(I'm the author! I could make you run around wearing a hot pink thong while screaming: "I'm a wee little Scotsman! Burn all the manties in the world and drink lighter fluid! It will make you smell like a poppyseed muffin from Norway!")

Phantom

I prefer a black leather thong. . .

(Whatever! Go eat your stupid candy and perform your stupid opera!)

Phantom

It's not stupid! It took me forever to figure out how this bloody pez candy dispenser works...

(I like mentos better. . .)

Phantom

Mentos! Das Frachengleegan! Das ist neu, Das ist neu! Hurra, hurra die schule brennet!

(Oh. . . So now your a gay nazi?)

Phantom

No! Although I sure do love Mel Brooks. . .

(He's Jewish. . .)

Phantom

Whatever girlfriend!

**Do u think the Phantom will ever be straight? R&R and find out:-D**


	14. Chapter 13: The point of turning stra

**a/n: I have over 30 reviews! omg! I'm freakin' out!**

**Erik for President: Hail me as the Queen of all that is random! MWAHAHAHAHA! (starts chanting) Oh lizzy, lizzy! Oh lizzy, lizzy!**

**Sugar Peaches: You are SO AWESOME! There are no words to describe how cool u are!**

**The-Wind-Dragon-Caller: AMEN! They r the best! And i love Mel Brooks! I think i was watching 1 of his movies when i wrote that chapter. . .And i changed the American thing 4 ya. I'm sry :'-(. Can u forgive me? (MOG!)**

**Crimson Rose to Ebony: I'm glad i made one of your days! I don't think i could be better than Scary Movie. . . Oh well. . . I LOVE YOU :-) **

**I barrowed a quote from Napoleon Dynamite. Can you spot it?**

**Hope ya'll enjoy this one!**

**Chapter 13: The point of turning straight!**

(The performance of Don Juan Stofucku goes as planned and Christine makes her appearance)

Christine

No thoughts within her head

But the thoughts of the gas I had to pass

No dreams within her heart

But dreams of aaaaaaasss!

Raoul

Chocolates!

(The Phantom enters after killing Piangi with vodka and some dental floss. ..)

Phantom

You have come here

In pursuit to get some ass

In pursuit of that wish

That hasn't been so silent

Not that silent

I have brought you

So you may not mow my grass

Even though I don't live on lawn

But who really cares?

Completely strip for me!

Now you are here with me

And you brought the martinis

You've decided. . .

Absolutely decided. . .

Past the point of turning straight

No screwingmen now

Our games of hide and seek

Have now ended. . .

(Christine takes her hands down from her face)

Christine

You found me? Dammit!

Phantom

Past the point of "boy" or "girl"

No use in fucking

When I am still as gay

As a meatball. . .

Raoul

Meatballs are not gay! They're perfectly stra-. . . No. . . Wait. . . never mind. . . They're round. . . They're not straight. . .

Phantom

What raging fire shall flood the soul?

I thought floods were water and not fire

When will we stop all this confusion?

Past the point of turning straight

The end of the rainbow

What warm untouched places will we find

Beyond the point of turning straight?

Christine

You have brought me

To the moment when words run dry

To that moment when

You need a glass of water. . .

Cold water. . .

I have come here

Knowing exactly the reason why

In my mind I've already imagined

You behind me naked

While doing the Macarena. . .

Raoul

Now that's a weird fantasy!

Christine

Now I am here with you

No second thoughts

I've decided. . .

To turn you straight. . .

Past the point of turning straight

No plowing women

But I will bring Raoul's

Dirty magazines. . .

Raoul

Those are my goodies woman!

Christine

Past the point of right or wrong

One final question

Can you be gay

A right or wrong way?

When will you get turned on

By watching a show called "Baywatch"?

When will we at last begin

To fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

Raoul

Are you a man?

Christine

How come I can hear you from down here?

Raoul

Um. . . because I'm talking perhaps!

Christine

Shut up!

Raoul

Why do I fall in with stupid horny whores!

Phantom

Because stupid horny whores are the only ones that would sleep with you besides the Cabbage Patch Kids and Care Bears.

Raoul

I wasn't asking you!

Both Christine & Phantom

Past the point of turning straight

The final climax

Excuse the pun

Because we meant the show. . .

We've past the point

Of turning straight. . .

Raoul

I will not be a pansy. . . I will not be a pansy. . . (bursts into tears) I'VE BEEN DUMPED BY A WHORE AND A QUEER!

Giry

You were going out with both of them?

Raoul

I only did it once with the Phantom. . . but he was my first man and I now I want him instead of Christine!

Giry

You and me both!

Raoul

Eew!

Phantom

Say you'll share with me

Your double ended dildo

Say you will

And I will fuck you

Say you want me with you here

Inside you. . .

Raoul

He stole our song!

Phantom

Shut up marshmallow butt! (clears throat)

Anywhere you go

Let us fuck there too. . .

Christine, that's all I ask of. . .

(Christine reaches up and tears the mask off. . .)

Christine

(gasp) You're handsome! But. . . wait a minute. . .

(She feels his crotch and looks down his pants. . .)

Christine

Oh my. . . When they said deformity. . . I thought they meant your face. . . Why do you wear a mask?

Phantom

It matches the suit!

(He pulls a lever and both fall. . .)

Christine

AAAHHHH!

(. . . but they land on the stage and Christine hits her head)

Christine

Oww!

Phantom

Sorry. . . didn't mean to. . .

Carlotta

Oh my God! Piangi, my love! Why did you kill my husband!

Phantom

I think he's glad I put him out of his misery. . . Especially after sleeping with you and being fat. . .

Carlotta

Why are you still here?

Phantom

Oh yeah. . . I'm supposed to kidnap Christine and take her to my lair and force her to marry me!

Carlotta

I don't need a blow-by-blow!

Phantom

You like to give blow-by-blows! And your mom goes to college!

(He cuts the rope and the chandelier begins to fall. He grabs Christine and jumps in the trap door and disappears. Meanwhile. . .)

Raoul

Where did he go!

Giry

Follow me, but remember. . . Keep your hand at the level of your arse!

Raoul

I'll be sure to forget that!

**Do the Macarena and R&R!**


	15. Chapter 14: O Canada!

**a/n: The ride is almost over :'-( **

**Enjoy it while it lasts!**

**Chapter 14: O Canada!**

(The Phantom is dragging Christine to his lair that smells like cat. . .)

Phantom

Down once more to the dungeons where I liked to be whipped

Down we plunge to the prison where I get handcuffed

Down that path where I am into BONDAGE!

Why, you ask, was I bound and chained

In a cold place that smells catish?

Not am I only gay

But I have a really weird fetish!

(The Italian chorus comes in)

Chorus

Hunt down this murderer and eat some pasta!

Top it off with some puttanesca!

Phantom

Slapped around by everyone

Hit with dildos everywhere

No kind ass from anyone

No compassion anywhere

Christine. . . Why? Why!

Christine

Because I'm your little pie!

Phantom

(sighs) Strip off and put on that damn wedding dress. . .

Christine

But it's white!

Phantom

Do it, Chesty McHooters!

(Meanwhile. . .)

Giry

Your hand at the level of your arse. . .

Raoul

At the level of your arse. . .

Chorus

At the level of your arse. . .

At the level of your arse. . .

Raoul

Hmm. . . That's the strangest echo I've ever heard. . .

Giry

Well. . . This is as far as I dare go. . . Go get your man!

Raoul

Woo! I get to strip while I run down the stairs!

(He takes his jacket and other clothing off until he falls through a trap door. . .)

Raoul

AAAAHHH! Oh God! I can't swim! Ah! My sexy self is drowning! I'm drow-. . . Hey! I can stand up!

(The water is only 2 feet deep)

Raoul

Hey! This room is only 3 feet tall! This queer can't set up good traps. . . Hey! A rubber ducky! And a door! Where does it lead to?

(Goes through door and finds himself at. . .)

Raoul

O CANADA!

Random Guy

Whatcha doin' eh? I'm a sexy man hunter who skins and collects manhoods. . . You seem pretty sexy eh? Can I take your winkie and put it on display?

Raoul

No. . . eh. . . but you can keep the duck!

Rubber Duck

SQUEK! (Translation: No! Don't leave me with this maple syrup loving human!)

(Raoul goes back through the door. . .)

Raoul

Off to find my sexy queer!

(Meanwhile. . . again. . .)

**I am evil, no? In order to find out what happens you have to R&R, my brain washed poppets! MWAHAHAHAHA! Cliffety, cliff, cliff! Cliffety, cliff, cliff! We're all on the Cliffhanger Express! WOOT! WOOT!**


	16. Chapter 15: Peptobismal!

**I'm back! Woo! What a weekend! I had to literally pry the Harry Potter book from my hands to continue the story! I couldn't let ya'll down. . . but it is Harry Potter. . . jk! **

**phantomofleopera: Glad u like it! I probably do need help. . . That's why i have my boyfriend:winks:**

**The-Wind-Dragon-Caller: Woo! U forgive me! Yay! **

**Phantomandvampirelover: You'll find out! **

**Sugar Peaches: Awww. . . Ur so sweet! (hence the name. . . duh!) I love u forever! And i did extremely well in the musical. . . I think we mite do Wicked or Into The Woods next. . . **

**Erik for President: Hehe! Thanks!**

**I barrowed some idea's and other crap from Rat Race & The Blaire Thumb. Can u spot the where it is? **

**Now. . . I know ya'll have been clinching ur asses for this all weekend so. . . without further adieu. . . here is the muffin! (everybody stares at her and begin to chant ''we want the queer!'') Ok! Ok! here's the chapter! Geez! can't anyone take a joke?**

**Chapter 15: Peptobismal!**

(Back to the Phantom's dark lair. . .)

Christine

Have you gorged yourself at last

In your lust for lubing?

Am I now to be pray

To your lust of ass?

Phantom

That fate which condemns me

To wallow in lube oil

Has also denied me

The joys of the ass

This crotch, the infected size

Which poisons our sex. . .

This crotch which earned

A mother's hysteric laughter

A mask

My first attempt to hide it

But it made it worse

Because my crotch was wearing a mask

So you'll have an eternity of sucking this. . .

(points to crotch) Before your eyes. . .

(Christine goes to the desk drawer and pulls out a tini-tiny condom)

Christine

This haunted crotch

Holds no horror for me now

It's in your soul

That the true deformed crotch lies. . .

Phantom

Eew. . .

Christine

Not really! I meant it metaphorically so you could fuck me now!

Phantom

Wait. . . I think, my pie, we have a guest!

Christine

Raoul! Go away! I'm really horny!

Phantom

This is indeed an unparalleled delight

I have rather hoped that you would come

And now my wish comes true

You have truly made my night

Christine

Are you _still_ gay?

Phantom

Well. . . um. . . you see. . .

Raoul

Fuck me!

Do what you like

Only fuck me!

Have you no condoms?

Phantom

I do, but I am not gay!

Christine

Yeah, right!

Raoul

I love you!

Does that mean nothing?

I love you!

Show some compassion!

Phantom

You showed no compassion to me!

Raoul

Debbie, Debbie. . . let me see you. . .

Phantom

Be my guest, sir . . .

(He pulls the lever and the gate lifts up. Raoul enters and the gate closes behind him)

Phantom

Monsieur, I bid you welcome

Did you think that I would fuck you?

Why would I make you pay?

I am not a MAN WHORE!

(The Phantom takes out a rope and ties him to the gate. . . Now Raoul's the pansy!)

Raoul

Oh. . . So now I'm the pansy!

Phantom

You didn't try to fight me when I tied you!

Raoul

That's because it's getting me kind of turned on!

Christine

Someone tell me what the hell is going on!

Raoul

Christine! He's gay!

Christine

Is this true, Debbie?

Phantom

Well. . . um. . . I sort of switched back by. . . being with Raoul. . . with some oil and. . . um. . . a cucumber. . .

Christine

(gasps) Angel of Music. . . you deceived me. . .

Phantom

(feminine voice) Why do you think they call me Angel? (normal voice) And so what if I did? You're boyfriend here liked it!

(He starts tickling Raoul)

Raoul

Stop it! Stop it I say! Stop. . . oh. . . keep going!

Christine

The tears I might have shed your dark fate grow cold and turn to tears of hate!

Phantom

Don't hate me because I'm the king of blow jobs! Hate me because I stole your boyfriend!

Christine

My God! What have I done to deserve this!

(She takes out a knife)

Raoul

Since when do you carry a knife around?

Phantom

Since she found out I was a rapist!

Both Christine & Raoul

You're a rapist?

Phantom

Of course! That's how I met Madame Giry. I think I made her lesbian by doing that. . .

(All of the sudden. . . a shark pops out of the lake in the lair)

Phantom

AAAAHHH! SHARK!

Raoul

GREAT WHITE!

(The Phantom tries to fight it off while Raoul kicks around since he's still tied to the gate, and Christine stands there like a dolt)

Christine

Hit it on the nose! Hit it on the nose!

Phantom

It's called the snout woman!

Raoul

Don't hit it in the snout! It will only piss it off! Didn't you ever visit the ocean?

Phantom

I don't have a visa!

Raoul

Watch the teeth!

Christine

Wait a minute. . . I have a knife!

Raoul

AAAHH! TAKE THE GIRL! LEAVE US ALONE!

(Christine throws the knife at the shark and it stabs its eye. It disappears under the lake)

Phantom

Thanks for that. . .

Christine

Don't mention it. . .

Raoul

So. . . Christine. . . Who are you going to choose even though we're both gay?

Christine

Pitiful creature of gayness

What kind of life have you known?

God give me courage to show you

You are not alone!

Phantom

You're gay too?

Christine

No. . . but I think I make men gay though. . .

Phantom

How?

Christine

Like this!

(Christine grabs his face and kisses him hard and licks his face a lot)

Christine

Well?

Phantom

Whoa. . . That would make any man gay!

Raoul

What about me?

Phantom

Here's an idea. . . How about we all get naked. . .

Raoul

So far, so good. . .

Phantom

Jump in a jacuzzi wearing sailor hats. . .

Christine

That's weird. . . but interesting!

Phantom

But the jacuzzi is filled with peptobismal, and we cut each other's toe nails and shave our buttocks!

(Both Raoul and Christine stare at the Phantom wide eyed)

Raoul

Christine. . . How about you untie me and run away with me to get married?

Christine

Yes please! Get me away from this freak!

Phantom

How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not Mormon!

(Christine runs to untie Raoul)

Phantom

Fine! Take him! Forget me! Forget all of this! Leave me alone! Forget all you've felt! Go now! Don't let them find you! Take the boat, and swear to me never to tell the secrets you know of the angel of queers!

(Christine finishes untying Raoul and both kiss each other feverishly)

Phantom

Oh please! Oh please! Let me join!

Both Christine & Raoul

NO!

(Both leave and the Phantom sits with the monkey music box in front of him playing. He sings along with it)

Phantom

Fuck-a-rade

Prostitutes on parade

Fuck-a-rade

Hide your face

In a crotch of a whore. . .

(Christine stands next to him and the Phantom looks up. . .)

Phantom

Christine, I love you. . . for making me gay!

Christine

You're welcome!

(She hands him the condom she took out of the desk drawer and puts it in his hand. She walks away to the boat where Raoul is waiting for her. . . The Phantom looks on as they sing to each other. . .)

Christine

Say you'll share with me

My double ended dildo. . .

Raoul

I already told you

My answer is fuck no. . .

Christine

Fuck each day with me

Each night, each morning. . .

Phantom

You alone could've made me heterosexual. . .

It's over now! I am still a gay maaaaaaaaaaaan!

(The Phantom tears off his shirt to reveal a rainbow shirt underneath. He grabs a feather boa and a cosmopolitan)

Phantom

Oh, my God! I'm like mad! I need to break some mirrors!

(He begins to break mirrors with a super thick dildo until one of the mirrors breaks to reveal a secret escape passage way)

Phantom

Where does this lead to?

(He follows it and he finds out it leads to. . .)

Phantom

ARKANSAS!

**Did i dowell with the finale thing? R&R and read Harry Potter!**


	17. Chapter 16: Everyone has AIDS!

**I barrowed some stuff from Team America. . . So don't sue me!**

**Here it is. The last stop. It's been a great ride and now it's almost over. . .**

**Chapter 16: Everyone has AIDS!**

(Fast forward. . . Old Raoul is rolling into the cemetery with the music box to visit the grave of Christine Da-UH. . . or the Vicomtess de Shag-me. . . I mean Chagny. . .)

Raoul

Man, I'm an old fart. . . This damn music box died on me five minutes after I got it! That's why I'm leaving it here with my dead slut muffin! Too bad she burned to death in that hot molasses flood. . . and of AIDS. . .

(He puts it down to Christine's grave which reads: Christine: 1854-1917. Beloved whore and slutbag. . . Oh. . . And wife too. . .)

Raoul

Well. . . I think I'll go now. . . I need to shave my ears and play with my dominatrix doll. . . Goodbye Chris. . . Oh dear Lord. . . What's that!

(He finally notices a red rose with a black lace ribbon and a very small condom. . . Raoul looks around all paranoid. . .)

Raoul

Is he here? Is the Queer of the Opera here?

Phantom

Right here sista!

(The Phantom appears behind him wearing overalls, a straw hat, and chewing a piece of straw)

Raoul

Ah! Please don't put your finger inside me!

Phantom

Come here. . . I haven't seen you in years!

Raoul

No! Your gonna rape me!

Phantom

No, I won't. . . I just want to see you. . .

Raoul

No!

Phantom

Raoul! I won't fuck your mouth! Now get over here!

(Raoul hesitantly walks over and stands next to Debbie)

Phantom

Thank you. . . Now. . . Suck my cock!

Raoul

What!

Phantom

Just kidding!

(Raoul steps back far away from Debbie)

Raoul

We shall fight!

(Debbie pulls out a rubber chicken)

Phantom

Remember this? COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!

Raoul

Why yes I do! And I still have my tickle feather. . .

(He takes it out)

Raoul

But I upgraded it to a duster! Girbels!

(They run towards each other, but when they stop face-to-face. . . They're already exhausted!)

Phantom

I'm too old for this! (lights a cigarette)

Raoul

Me too. . . So. . . What do you want to do?

Phantom

Do you know the hit Broadway musical called Rent?

Raoul

Yeah. . .

Phantom

Want to sing a parody of it called Lease?

Raoul

Fuck yeah!

(WARNING: YOU MIGHT CATCH AIDS!)

Both Phantom & Raoul

Everyone has AIDS!

AIDS,AIDS,AIDS!

AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS!

Everyone has AIDS!

This is the end of our story

And everyone is dead from AIDS

It took from me my best friend

My only true pal

My only bright star

She died of AIDS!

I'm gonna march on Washington

Leave the fight and charge the brigades

There's a hero inside all of us

I'll make them see that everyone has AIDS!

My father!

AIDS!

My sister!

AIDS!

My uncle and my cousin

And her best friend!

AIDS,AIDS,AIDS!

The gays and the straights!

The whites and the spades!

Everyone has AIDS!

My grandma and my dog Old Blue!

AIDS,AIDS,AIDS!

The pope has got it

And so do you!

AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS!

Come on everybody!

We've got quilting to do!

We're gonna break down these barricades!

Everyone has. . .

AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,

AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,

AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS,AIDS!

AAAAAAAAAIDS!

Raoul

AND CHOCOLATES!

**The End. . . BITCHES!**

**Woo! Before u make ur last review ever (tear) i'd like to thank some people who helped me on this wild and fucked up story. **

**Sean(ScarfBoy16): u helped me create the concept of ''what if the phantom was gay?'' 4 that. . . i thank u and free dark chocolate and espressofor ya! Oh. . . and 1 more thing. . . I DO NOT WANT TO FUCK J-MAC!**

**Shane: u helped me write some ( yes. . . some. . . u didn't write all 17 chapters!) of the story and helped with the lyrics. And thank u for being random! Free hot pockets and microwave pizzas for ya!**

**Christina: u did absolutely nothing. . . except for being a whore! Free peanut butter and a ticket to the Charlie Train for ya! **

**And my reviewers (Akasha Vampire Queen, Whack-man Poop, Crimson Rose to Ebony, Phantomandvampirelover, Sugar Peaches, Erik for President, and The-Wind-Dragon-Caller): I LOVE YOUALL! FREE LAP DANCES FOR EVERYONE! (coughs) I mean. . . Free cream puffs and chesse doodles!**

**I will have more fanfics soon! I'm also writing stuff for other web sites. Check my profile for details. One of them is a vampire fic im working on and the other one is a romance/humour/suspense im also working on which will also come on soon!**

**Ya'll have been the best! R&R and see ya next time!**

**Le Fantome Etoile**


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